Copypasta'd from my Gaia Journal. Ignore any reference I make to that website here. .___.;;
Not a lot of people know exactly what's wrong with me. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't. It's the first week of April, and in this week I've been to the hospital three times. I didn't really want to tell the world, mainly because I only wanted my closest friends to know, and the fact that I didn't expect this to be so serious. But, it is. In one week, I've had fifteen vials of blood sucked out of my arms. I've peed in two cups. A woman jammed her hand up my vagina. I've had a CT Scan and a chest X-ray. Snorted lots and lots of nasal spray. And in less than two weeks from now, I'll be in the operating room.

I'm just gonna take it in stride though. I'd rather not worry or be scared, and usually I worry over EVERYTHING. If you know me well enough, you should know this by now. But, this may very well save my life, so I won't worry. *insert Jason Mraz here* If you're reading this and you're worried about me, I appreciate your concern. My Gaia buddies mean a lot to me. But remember what I said: this may very well save my life. If this is my karma, I humbly accept it.


March 31, 2008 - Monday
My mom and I went to Kaiser Permanente to see my doctor about this horrid cough I've had since February. Seriously, I've been coughing up my lungs. We went in to see her, Dr. Wei. She first checked out my cough and she concluded that I had post-nasal drip, and she precribed nasal spray to get rid of the mucus that was building up on my lungs and the back of my throat, which was causing my coughing. I also asked about these bad abdominal pains I've been having, and the fact that my stomach sticks out a hell of a lot more than it should. And, I know it's not because of fat because my belly is very hard, not flabby. She was very concerned and had us make an appointment for a CT scan as soon as possible. She also had me do blood tests since there was no updated information in my medical records. And so, after seeing Dr. Wei, my mom and I went to the laboratory for the tests. They made me piss in a plastic cup right away, and after I was done, they extracted 6 vials worth of blood out of my veins. And then we picked up the nasal spray from the hospital pharmacy.

Btw, all the tests came up normal. (:


April 3, 2008 - Thursday
My dad took me to Kaiser again, this day was for the CT scan. Oh, what fun. My appointment was at 11am, but the receptionist told me that I had to check in at 9am. So we got there a little after 9, and right away I was sent to another waiting room. This guy told me that I had to drink something and it had to settle for an hour before I went in for the scan. The stuff I had to drink ended up being a barium sulfate "smoothie", in three flavors: apple, banana, and berry. I close apple. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. That shit was fucking disgusting. It was white and tasted nothing like apple, and it had the consistency of cum. Seriously. ): And they gave me TWO. WHYY?! I chugged the first one with ease, but it wasn't so easy the second time around. It was already disgusting, and chugging the first one was a goddamn accomplishment. I couldn't stop complaining though. And halfway through the second one, I started to feel really sick and stopped. I couldn't chug it all. D; But anyway, after an hour, I went in to do the CT scan. The woman injected this stuff in my veins that left a gross metallic taste in the back of my throat and my womanparts really warm and tingly. <_<; And after that was done, my dad and I went home. I knocked out shortly after and woke up at 5:30. And then, I got a call from this fidgety receptionist woman who was saying that I should come back immediately to see the OB/GYN Specialist. And boy, was I sweating bullets. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY VAGOO, OMG. D;


April 4, 2008 - Friday
I went to the hospital with my mom today, because there was no way in hell I was going to see the gyno with my dad. When we went in, the gynecologist, Dr. Ellyson, showed my mom and I the images from the CT scan. There was this huge blob of something in my gut, and it was pushing against my organs and it was the reason my tummy protruded so much. It turns out that that blob was my goddamn ovary! Fucking shit, man! Enlarged ovary? In MY vagina? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK. D; But, it wasn't in my vagina, it was in my gut. And it was fucking huge. Bricks were totally shat. Anyway, it was an ovarian mass, and it must be removed asap. If you don't know, ovarian masses could lead to ovarian cancer, if it's malignant. But, Dr. Ellyson said that it's most likely benign, since it is very rare for women as young as 19 to have ovarian cancer. She set the closest date she can do the surgery, and it will be on the 16th of this month. And then, she totally caught me off guard. Remember, she's a gynecologist. And, they have those crazy chairs where you sit in them with your legs open. She jamed her gloved and lubed hand up my vagoo. o A o;;; "Yeah, your little uterus is being squished by that ovarian mass." Gee, thanks. We were done with the gyno, but we still had more shit to do. I was sent to the Pre-Op wing of the hospital, where I was then led to another room with this little Asian man, the anesthesiologist. He asked me some questions and checked around my body, and then this nurse came in. She had to get more blood from me. 9 vials worth. And I had to pee in another cup, but this time I didn't miss. XD When we were done, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go home and nap. But! I was went to the Radiology wing again, this time for a chest X-ray. We were in the waiting room for what seemed like forever.. watching Maury. My mom was getting antsy and she decided that she wasn't going to work after we were done after all, since it was getting pretty late in the day. I finally got in to take my x-rays, and I had to wait some more in the ridiculously cold x-ray room before I had to one last x-ray. And then I went home. My mom kept telling me to wash the dishes, and then she said to rest, and then to wash the dishes again, like wtf, make up your mind, woman. .__.; I ended up sleeping when we got home though, and my mom went out. I already did my chores (except my laundry, because I ache all over right now) and here I am.

tl;dr - I'm sick and I need surgery because of vagoo complications.

Thanks for listening.
-Steph

FRIDAY NIGHT

My boyfriend and I live far away from each other, and so we talked on the phone a lot. I had T-Mobile, and in my phone plan, we have the myFaves option. (Note: I'm saying all this in the past tense.)

"All myFaves plans include unlimited calling to any five U.S. numbers--even landlines and numbers outside of the T-Mobile network."

So my five spaces were filled up, and one of the was my boyfriend's mom's house number. And then, he got his own cell phone so I replaced his mom's house number with his cell phone number. His cell phone was still having problems, so I took out a friend's number who I didn't call that much out of myFaves and put his mom's house number in there. And a bunch of stuff happened, which resulted in him moving out of his mom's house and into his aunt's. Now, you're only allowed to change your Fave 5 numbers once a month, so I couldn't change his mom's number into his aunt's number on myFaves. I thought, "Okay, I'll wait until the month is over." And I called his aunt's to talk to him, but called his cell phone the most. However, my parents got my phone bill and well.. they were pissed off.

Total cost: $1500.

My mom started smacking me upside the head with the phone bill and calling me names. My dad threatened to punch me in the face if I didn't hand over my cell phone, which he later threw onto my bathroom floor and shattered it. The night was spent locked in this computer room, crying my eyes out while telling my boyfriend about it, who was staying at his mom's for a while and using her internet, but was going back to his aunt's house (no internet there) the next day. And so, I haven't talked to him since Friday night.


SATURDAY

I was too scared to leave my bedroom. I was thinking a lot for hours, and I finally decided to talk to my mom and my brother about what I had to do to fix this. I went downstairs and my mom was fixing the drapes in the living room while my brother was holding the ladder. I told them that I was going to pay them back every penny for that phone bill by getting a job. But because I intend on getting a full time job, I will not be going to school this coming semester. (I go to community college.) And the reason why I decided on doing this is because when I applied for jobs before, I was never hired because I "didn't have good hours." And if I did not go to school this semester, they will not tell me that I don't have good hours to work. And because I sprung this upon my mom, she seems to think that because I'm not attending school this semester, I'm actually quitting community college, which is most definitely not the case! She started calling me names again, saying, "THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY!! YOU NEVER TAKE RESPONIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! FOR SOME NIGGER?!" And my brother wasn't yelling at me, but he was saying, "No, you're going to school. You can find a job and go to school at the same time." And I kept saying that won't work because of the bad hours thing. But my mom just kept yelling at me... and she would not stop. She kept calling me stupid and saying, "YOU'RE SO FUCKING LAZY!!" And I screamed back, "ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT IS MONEY!! AND I'M TRYING TO GET YOU YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY SO YOU CAN STOP BITCHING AT ME!!" and she said something like "QUITTING SCHOOL ISN'T GOING TO HELP, STUPID!!" "SO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO SCHOOL AND GET A JOB, AND SPEND YOUR MONEY ON TUITION AND BOOKS AND GAS, JUST SO I CAN FUCKING OWE YOU MORE MONEY!?" I swear to god. I wanted to kick that ladder she was standing on. But I didn't. And my brother was trying to stop her from saying anything else. But she wouldn't. I didn't realize how hard I was crying when she kept yelling at me, telling me that I'm lazy and useless and nothing but trouble.

I guess I kind of lost it at that point.

"GODDAMMIT!!" I ran upstairs and slammed the door, throwing on whatever clothes was around. I grabbed my glasses, my purse, my wallet, cough drops (I've been sick for two weeks already), my college stuff that I intended on getting a refund on, and my car keys and stormed out of the house. My mom was in the hallway between the tv room and the garage, and she saw me heading for the garage. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING!?" she yelled at me. "AWAY FROM YOU." And I went into the garage, opened it, and hopped into the Pathfinder. I reversed out of the driveway, and I noticed someone was standing in front of the gate. It was my brother. He was smoking a cigarette, waiting like he knew I was going to drive off. He tapped on my passenger window, but I kept backing up. I looked at him with tears streaming down my face, and didn't open the door, didn't say a thing. Just shook my head and drove away. I passed by Mango's house to see if she was home, but she wasn't. So I went somewhere that I knew nobody would find me. I went to the park. And I stayed in the parking lot of the park in the Pathfinder, with the radio tuned to KROQ. They were having their Top 10 countdowns, and the playlist they were playing was a list some girl made, her top 10 cheer up after you had bad day songs. And I cried for a good two hours.

When I stopped crying, I looked through my purse. I couldn't go to the school to refund my money because I realized that my parking permit wasn't in the envelope. I had $11 in my wallet, and my credit card that I'm not supposed to use. So I pulled out of the parking lot, cranking up the volume on the radio and drove to CVS Pharmacy for some cough drops and some iced tea. I also bought a little bag of Kissables for Mango because I know she likes them. With the money I had leftover, I went to China Blossom, the Chinese restaurant that's really close to CVS and I bought a bowl of chicken teriyaki over rice. And I drove back to the park. I ate my lunch in the car while KROQ was continuing their countdown, while watching raindrops splatter my windshield. And the only thing I could think to myself was, "God. I'm bored. I wish I brought my DS with me."

After the rain stopped for a while, I went back on the road. I drove around, gathering job applications from all over the place. After going to the mall, it was getting late, so I decided to stop off at Mango's house again and wait for her to get back. I got there at 6PM, and sat in my car filling out my job applications. At one point, I drove in front of my house again to check if my brother was home, but his car wasn't in the driveway. If he was there, I was going to go in, but since he wasn't, I went back to wait in front of Mango's house again. Around 8PM, I got kind of tired of waiting and the girl who made the playlist on KROQ was pissing me off. She was some Mexican girl who called her list "Mis Canciones Favoritas" and she said "HAY KROQ YOU'RE LISTENING TO MY FAVORITE SONGS... CAN YOU HEAR MY BABY CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND? SHE'S LOVING IT TOO!" Ugh. So I drove home again.

My brother still wasn't home, but I figured I'll just go in anyway. So I parked the car in the garage, went inside the house, and went straight into the computer room. I ranted a bit to my online buddies, and waited for Mango to sign on. About 30 minutes later, my house phone starts ringing, and I didn't have any intention on picking it up, but my mom did. She knocked on the door of the computer room, which I had locked upon me entering. She said that I had a phone call, so I opened the door and she handed me the phone and went back into her room. Mango had called me, and she said that she was out looking for me for an hour. She said that my brother was out looking for me too. She offered to let me stay at her house for the night since I mentioned that I really didn't want to be here. And she said, "Okay, I'm coming to pick you up right now."

Five minutes later, Mango and her girlfriend Sharon are at my doorstep, and I turn off the computer and gather a change of clothes and some jammies and stuffed it into my tote bag. I gave Mango the candy I bought for her earlier and showed them my dog Noodle, who got beaten up by my other dog Bubbles, and is too traumatized to leave the garage now. We left my house and got into Mango's car to take Sharon home. We were talking about stuff on the way there, mostly about Noodle and Rock Band. And after we dropped Sharon off, we headed back to Mango's house. I said something like, "I bet my brother is pissed off at me." And she said, "No, he was really worried." I told her that she could call my brother and tell him that I was with her now, which she did, and we hung out in her room for a while. I was on her computer and watching her play Rock Band, just hanging out like we normally would. A few hours later, my brother called Mango again and asked if he could talk to me. And we talked for a little bit, I told him that I was feeling a little better and that I had ran off to the park, and he told me that he was in a bar with his friend Nenia after looking for me and going to work. I told him that I was going back home the next day, and he said that he was too. After talking to my brother, Mango and I went back to talking about school (we go to the same community college) and some stuff Sharon wanted to show her. I then showed Mango standup routine from Logo with a gay Filipino comedian named Alec Mapa, and there was much lulz. We went to bed around 2AM.


SUNDAY

Not a lot happened on Sunday. I woke up on the inflatable mattress Mango laid out for me in the other room and laid they for a while. And I got up and took a leak, brushed my teeth, and played with my DS for a little bit. After playing with my DS, I went back to filling out my mountain of job applications. Mango finally woke up around 12:30 and we hung out for a bit again, and we played some Rock Band with Sharon and her brother Kevin via XBox Live. I was sucking, a lot, but it was fun. After Rock Band, we ate frozen pizza (yum) and watched Kenan and Kel on TV, and some weird videos on YouTube. And then we got changed and left to pick Sharon up so we could go somewhere. Sharon needed to use my computer, so we went back to my house.

Upon arrival, I noticed that my dad was in the computer room. I didn't want to go up and ask him to get off, so I stood there near the stairs all scared shitless. And he left the computer room and we went up to let Sharon register for her classes. I also noticed that my mom had cleaned my room and changed my bedsheets. It was really weird. I don't know if she did it because she's trying to prove a point or because she felt bad or because she just wanted to do it. Either way, we went in and I was like, "Oh shit, I think she was looking through my stuff." And Mango and Sharon noted that my room looked too clean. Lol, it's true. Anyway, they got on my computer to register for classes. As they were looking through classes, I helped myself to the last of the Airbourne, which tastes like lemon-lime and dirt. After they were done, we went out again, first to buy boba (I didn't want any because I kept coughing, and I didn't wanna choke on a boba ball while coughing) and then to the mall. We went to different stores, asking for moar job applications (Mt. Avoid Unemployment grows bigger!) and we almost got trapped in Macy's. D: Mango was holding Sharon a lot, which was really cute, but it kind of reminded me that I won't be able to talk to my boyfriend for a while.

We got back on the road, and we decided that I was going to drive Mango's car to Sharon's house, and Mango was going to hide in the backseat. It was really weird driving Mango's car, and Mango felt that it was really weird being in the backseat of her car, and Sharon agreed that yes, this situation was just plain weird. But we dropped her off in front of her house, and Mango and I drove to the gas station to get some gas for her almost-empty tank. She took the wheel again, and we went back to her house to hang out for a bit. I got online on her computer again and watched her play Assassin's Creed. And then she dropped me off at home, and here I am now.

So weird, the normalcy. Sunday made it feel like Friday and Saturday never happened. Anyway, that's it for my exciting adventure. If anyone wants to know the full story, here it is. I'm feeling a lot better, but I still don't want to talk to my parents. However, I'm not thinking about becoming "an hero" anymore. Well, maybe a little bit. I really, really miss Antoine. ):

I woke up this morning not to the usual California sunlight. My room was cold and gloomy, but my bed was warm as ever. There was a sort of chill in the air, and I noticed that it had rained. I stepped out into the yard to feed the dogs, and it was the coldest it has ever been lately. My only thoughts were to get my chores done so I could go back to my room and play more WarioWare. It started to rain again.

The sky is crying again.

And everything else was perfectly fine. I sat up in my bed with my DS in my left hand and the stylus curled in my right hand. The mp3 playlist on my phone was set on non-stop Honorary Title. It seemed appropriate. And in the middle of my conversation with a friend, my mom calls me and tells me something depressing. My grandmother in the Philippines, her mother, was in the ICU. She was vomiting blood.

My grandma has been sick for a very long time. More than a decade, I think. I did never asked what her diagnosis was. She's had a stroke before, but there's a lot more to it than that. I remember I've seen a photograph of me when I was a little kid and I was standing with her. Her expression was vacant, but somehow, she looked happy. Because I live in America and all of my mom's relatives live in the Philippines, I was never very close to any of them. Even so, getting the news is devastating.

The last time I really prayed was when my other grandmother, my dad's mother, died when I was starting 6th grade. She used to take care of me when I was a baby, and I loved her a lot. The last time I prayed was after her funeral. I didn't want to pray anymore after that. I stopped going to church by then. I did not like the idea that my grandma was a good woman, and yet she had to die suffering. Why would God allow that to happen? In fact, both of my grandmothers were good women. They had to have been. They raised a dozen or so children in poverty. My dad's father died before I was born, but my grandma still took care of us in America, a place unfamiliar to where she grew up. My mom's father had a young mistress and had children with her, and my grandma did not turn him away. I may not know about their lives when they were younger, but I know that both of my grandmothers were strong women who were worthy of admiration. What kind of God would allow them to suffer so much?

You see it in movies, you read it in books, you hear about it from someone who heard it from someone else... but when someone you know personally, or someone who is close to someone close to you is dying, the awareness of mortality is magnified a hundred times. Maybe even a thousand. The feeling you get is one of the most depressing ones in the world.

The sky is still crying.

Well, I'm not going to able to get that Zelda Edition DS. It's pretty depressing, because it was something that I really, really wanted. And once again, I'll have to settle for something else. But hey, at least I can actually get one now. I shouldn't be complaining. Hopefully I'll be able to get a DS before classes start up next week. I wanna be able to play something while I'm waiting for my brother. Yep, still no car. Oh well, it's all gravy.

I had a strange dream the other night. I was at a class reunion or something at my elementary school. I was there with an old friend that I do not talk to anymore because life got in the way of our friendship. Her name is Evelyn. We were wandering around our old school, and we went into the Multi-Purpose Room, which was pretty much the auditorium of our school. There were little kids in ballet outfits dancing to techno music in the MP room, lit up in green, purple, and red strobe lights. I remember I grabbed one of the little kids and asked in a loud voice over the music, "Hey, do you know where Mrs. Razo [our 5th grade teacher] is?" And the kid pointed to the parking lot, so Evelyn and I left the MP Room. And then we started talking about middle school as we were walking up to the parking lot. "Remember Mr. McCormick?" Evelyn asked. "If I ever see him again, I'd give him a blowjob." I looked at her and said, "Yeah, I'm sure he'd like that." I can't remember what else that happened. But I can tell you, that was quite bizarre. And Evelyn would never say things like that, not to my knowledge anyway.

There was another dream I had a while back. This one was very strange. I think I was a man in this dream. It was a lot like this one manga called "Video Girl Ai" where a girl comes out of a TV and befriends some teenage boy who had an intention of jerking off to this tape he rented from a video store. In my dream though, I had a calendar, and i can't remember what was on it. And I hung it on my wall, and a hand comes out of the top portion with chipped black nail polish and rubber bracelets. Before I know it, there's this cute indie-looking girl who was shorter than me standing by my bed holding a clipboard. Her hair was short and bobbed with chunky blonde streaks. She had black thick-rimmed glasses. She was wearing a brown jacket with a light blue t-shirt that stopped just above her bellybutton. Her jeans were a little torn at the knees and at the cuffs, and her toenails were short and painted black like her fingernails. She was wearing brown flip-flops. Her breasts were small and she had a little chub, and she looked very... soft. "Who the hell are you?" I ask her. She tells me her name, which I have forgotten. Let's call her Delilah for now. Delilah holds up her clipboard and says, "Thank you for purchasing one of our calendars. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" She flashes me the cutest smile I've ever seen on a girl. I forgot what happened after that, but shortly afterwards, we were fucking. She was completely naked, sitting on my lap, moving her body up and down and grinding against me. She kept trying to hide the fact that she liked it by asking me over and over, "Are you going to buy more calendars? We have so many other calendars!" My hands were squeezing her breasts. She kept telling me to stop touching them, squirming about and trying to shove my hands away. I specifically remember that I said, "I like your small titties.. they're a good handful." And Delilah looked over her shoulder at me blushing a little. She still had her glasses on.

And then I woke up. There was nothing I could think of that could possibly explain that dream. No, I was not watching any porn prior to that dream. And I certainly didn't buy a new calendar. I don't know any girls who looked like that, but she kind of reminded me of myself now that I think of it. Only, a hell of a lot cuter.

My dreams are so very bizarre.

2007 dies tonight. O:

I don't have any plans for today. I just want to stay at my house and chill, maybe watch a little One Piece, doodle more for Josh and my comic strip, spend some time with my family. I'm still on a never-ending quest for a Zelda edition DS Lite.



I think 2008 will be my Gamer year. I've been into video games a lot more than I used to be. I mean, I grew up on Nintendo. I played with my brother old NES when I was a little kid. My next door neighbor used to invite me over and play Super Nintendo with him. OMG I had a Nintendo 64, and I still love it to death. And then there was this gap where other things were more important than video games, despite the fact that almost all of my best friends and boyfriends are gamers. So why start now? Does this make me a gamer newb?

Class is going to start soon, one week from now, actually. Ah, Winter Session. I've never taken a class in Winter Session or Summer Session (they are 6 weeks instead of 16 weeks, the regular semester) I'm taking Math 71 with a teacher I had taken with Math 51 before. She was a pretty good teacher and I actually learned stuff in her class. So I was pretty content knowing that she was teaching Math 71 in Winter Session. I know I say this every time I'm about to start a new semester, but I'm excited. Despite how many times I complain about my schoolwork, I really love going to school. Now, just to get out of it ASAP. XD

Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain. My name is Stephanie. My friends call my Kiwi. My best friends call me Steph. I don't like to talk about myself, but here I am.

I've decided that 2007 was not a very productive year for me. I did not do much, but I still did more than I expected I would do. I made some new friends, listened to some new music, learned new things, improved my abilities. Why haven't I recorded any of it? Were they not worth writing down? Or in this case, typing up? While I have kept online blogs before, I did not keep them for that long. I have one on Gaia, I had a Xanga a million years ago, so on. This year though, I'm going to be posting in my LiveJournal as often as I can. If I can't update everyday, then at least once a week. Do I care if anyone will read? Not really. But you are welcome to. I don't think I am a very interesting person, and my life is less than extraordinary. I'm a 19-year-old child. Everything fascinates me. I can adjust to change. I love myself. I am content.

However, I am not in high school anymore. I've become so... bored. Maybe, just maybe, this coming year, there will be more changes. Better changes. Maybe this coming year, I'll be satisfied with my life. Maybe this coming year, I won't have any regrets. That is all that matters.

I think I'll do some experiments here and there and record my progress. For example, for the entire month of January, I will be a vegetarian. No meat at all. That is going to be tough, but a little experimentation in self-improvement couldn't hurt. I think I'll even write my own essays and post them here without the worry of having to submit it to an anti-plagiarism website before a certain time, or even having to worry about how it will affect my grade. This will be for my enjoyment.

So there you have it, typed up and sent out. I'm tired of being lazy, I'm tired of having nothing to do. This is my New Year's Resolution, and I intend on keeping it.